This is me with my daughter at 20 years old. When I think back on those times, I remember the anxiety I felt when I first found out I was going to be a mother; that I would be responsible for another human being. I remember feeling inadequately prepared for the tasks ahead. I questioned my self-worth because the relationship with my first love and father of my baby didn’t work out as we had hoped. I wondered how I was going to manage financially and emotionally. But I also remember the first time I looked into my baby’s eyes and the bond I immediately felt. It was the kind of love for which you would sacrifice everything. I knew in that moment I had to grow up fast. I was incredibly lucky to have the support of family and friends. I lived at home with my parents who supported us for a couple of years. During that time, I landed a great job, bought a car and took steps to live independently.

 

Fast forward a few years later when I met this guy: Amo. He had me at hello! He won my heart with his charismatic personality and good looks. A year and a half later, we got married and shortly after, I gave birth to another beautiful baby girl.

 

Amo and I both worked full time and attended school part time. We worked hard to make ends meet and to secure a good future for our family. Life was certainly not easy. Our relationship was filled with mountain high and valley low experiences. It took time, patience, and a lot of forgiveness, but we overcame the hardships and fought for our marriage. At the age of 31, I gave birth to another baby girl. Life was finally starting to feel secure.

But it didn’t last…

Six months after our daughter was born, I received the devastating news that my husband had been in a fatal accident. The story of my life as I knew it would change forever.

Why did this happen?

I asked that question only once and then I realized I would never know the answer. So I stopped asking why and began to ask how?

How can I continue living when it’s so hard to just breath?

How will I raise three daughters on my own? How will I look my baby in the eye and tell her how much the daddy she’ll never remember loved her?

The journey from grief to healing

Here’s the cliche… time heals all things. In my case it was time, the support of others, and strength from God that allowed me to slowly find my way back. It wasn’t easy – my spirit and heart ached daily. Many nights I cried myself to sleep clinging to memories of my husband. I vented to all my friends of how unfair life was, multiple times. I uttered angry prayers to God, often. But through this deep valley I grew stronger; I was knocked down but not destroyed. I knew God had a plan to prosper me and not to abandon me.

 

 

Dare to live and love again

As my heart healed I began to take baby steps, one day at a time, to gain the courage to live and love again.
Remember my first love? His name was Danny… and we had become great friends. Some time later our friendship led to love again. His patience, joy, integrity, honesty, smile and laughter captured my heart. It was exhilarating and frightening all at the same time. I learned to walk in faith like I had never walked before. I trusted God with my future and in 2006, Danny and I were married. This year we will be celebrating 10 years of marriage!

A New Journey

 

The last ten years have been wonderful beyond anything I could have ever imagined. Part of my healing process was a journey of self discovery. I began to ask myself, if I could do any job in the world, what would it be? I contemplated a few things. I went back to school at UofT and found that my passion for life, for serving others, for giving and for nurturing led me to where I am today. As a Labour and Postpartum Doula I have had the opportunity of supporting over 100 families through the most amazing time of their lives – through pregnancy, labour, birth and the postpartum time. I have the opportunity to serve them, encourage them, support them and love on them. As a Childbirth Educator, I also have the awesome privilege of speaking and teaching about the natural process of giving birth, reducing the fear associated with childbirth and discussing comfort options.
In the nine years I have been a doula, I have truly met some wonderful people who have touched my heart dearly.

 

Thankful

I feel blessed to have experienced the life I have lived so far. I give thanks to God who in all things gives me strength.

Life is strange. It’s confusing, it’s spontaneous, it’s always interesting…and always changing.

I have loved and lost twice, and found love again. Through it all, I learned a few things. I am strong, I am courageous, I am hard working, I am faithful, and I am worthy of God’s mercy, grace and love. I am thankful to be called mother. I have raised the most beautiful girls inside and out that a mother could ever ask for. They are the perfect product of an imperfect life, and I am blessed to have them.

– Grace Jose